Bored, Stoned, Sitting in your Basement

Ke$ha's new album Animal is equal parts Robyn, Lady Gaga, Princess Superstar, Fannypack and Kelly. Definitely grabbing a lot of the more subtle wub-wub from what seems to be popular the kid's raves these days. It's just fun, come on.

I don't understand the hate for TiK-ToK, though:



Everyone knows pop starlets need a contemporary of a similar sound and similar vision but an entirely different vision - for every Britney, there's a Christina. Ke$ha is forever paired in time and style with Lady Gaga. (This concept works for movies too: Deep Impact and Armageddon, duh.)

I mean, the lyrics read for themselves: "D-I-N-O-S-A / you are a dinosaur"? Solid gold.

I wonder if God asked Mike how to moonwalk

Songs That Made 2009 Alright

In no particular order, and by no means a comprehensive list:



Lady Gaga - Speechless: To paraphrase Rich, if you like pop and aren't listening to Lady Gaga, what the fuck is wrong with you? As if The Fame wasn't a disgustingly strong album (full of disgustingly ubiquitous singles) the 'Ga embraced one of the most stupid-brilliant marketing tactics / gimmicks by re-releasing the entire album with an all-new EP as a bonus. (Extra bonus for including the Lady of the 00's, Beyowulf herself, while one-upping her own re-release tactic.) Speechless stands out as one of the more honest, traditional songs on the seven track Fame Monster EP, and it only serves to highlight the more cutting edge pop of other tracks. Don't call me Gaga. She ate my heart.



Drake - Best I Ever Had: Too bad this song was played every six minutes on every other radio station - the chorus is the most romantic I've heard in a long time. The entire So Far Gone mixtape garnered such scary buzz, made even scarier by the fact that it deserves it. Beats that sound like what music would've been tomorrow if Drake hadn't done it today, lyrics that easily hold their own, if not surpass lyrical greats Drake openly admires, and a romantic honesty that doesn't sacrifice image, sex appeal or artistic quality. And yet still, he's always Wheelchair Jimmy to me.



Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Skeletons: The lyrics are kind of a bunch of bullshit, but Karen O uses her pretty soaring vocals in a way I've missed since Fever to Tell. It's Blitz, while not an amazing album overall, felt more like the scattered-yet-cohesive explosion of experimentation that was Fever to Tell, with Skeletons playing the role of Maps. One repeated line - "love, don't cry" - sells the vocals beautifully. I can't help but imagine standing in a barren suburban field, just after sunset, watching distant street lights blink on under a sky fading from impossibly silver to salt and pepper stars.



Eminem - Insane: One of Eminem's most fucked up songs ever, with an equally insane beat. Dr. Dre was in top form for Eminem's entire comeback album, and this track displays one of his more impressive creative efforts. I can't even begin to explain how I feel about Eminem. Best. Lyricist. Ever.



Regina Spektor - One More Time With Feeling: Soaring, inspiring, and interesting, everything I could ask for from Regina Spektor.



La Roux - As If By Magic: La Roux's debut album caught me off guard entirely, and every track seems to speak to a specific time, emotion and experience in my specific life, while still being a grandiose enough concept to be universally applicable - the basis for an incredible pop album. This lower-key number near the end of their album spins me off into a bittersweet - melancholy - part of my brain, the part responsible for remembering the outlines on someone's face when you know you can never see them again.



Placebo - Kings of Medicine: Can Placebo not write a song that isn't about bitter jaded lovers, drugs, and... bitter, jaded lovers?



The Dead Weather - Treat Me Like Your Mother: I love seeing Jack White play around with an evolved guitar similar to the crunch of the White Stripes' Blue Orchid.



Matt and Kim - Daylight: It's so rare to see a song, a band, an entire album with such a distinct and defining drum sound, especially one as sparse and loud as on much of Matt and Kim's debut. "Matt's" semi-monotone drawl somehow sounds like the polar opposite of other drone-vocals of recent years - Interpol, Raveonettes, I'm looking at some of your junk - they're upbeat, full of hope, a welcome, come in, sign, not the depressing dull ache I'm used to from similar vocals.



Fagget Fairys - Roll the Dice: The bassline on this song - and many of the songs on this debut - are insane. Give me more thwhub-whub-whub-whub-whub-whub, please.



Say Anything - Crush'd: I hesitated to list Crush'd over their more loveable and honest Mara and Me, a confessional about singer Max's sardonic attitude that evolves into a love song for his favorite girl. This one is just another silly love song - the follow-up to Mara and Me. Gets stuck in my head for weeks at a time, still.



Dizzee Rascal - Bonkers: Dizzee Rascal's insanity anthem was one of the defining moments for me at this year's Electric Daisy Carnival. I already loved the song, and Benny Benasi spun it while we were making our way towards the stage at the center of the L.A. Colisseum, through the jam-packed tunnels of rolling teenagers, frolicking stoners and half-naked love-prepared pure-hormone dancers. The bass rumbled through the concrete above and below me, the sharp snare cracked the air, and I knew I was about to go apeshit. Then I did. Fantastic.



AFI - End Transmission: God help me, I love AFI, and Crashlove is one of their best albums to date. Moving even further towards pop seems to be their strength.



Dethklok - Dethsupport: "Say. Your Good. Byes. / That. Was. Your. Life." Maybe my favorite lyric of the year. Dethklok is so fucking brutal I can hardly stand it. I am the future Mrs. Nathan Explosion. (Or the future Mrs. #22, for the record.)



Peaches - Talk to Me: Peaches' howl was exactly what this album needed to open with, and a brilliant choice for first single.



Major Lazor - Mary Jane: Otherwise a somewhat ho-hum album, which was a true disappointment coming from the all-star hip-hop / dancehall DJ tag-team of Diplo and Switch, this track stands out. And not just because I got that purp fired up. (Or that Patron in my cup.)



Imogen Heap - Half Life: A fantastic album and one of the more powerful songs I've heard out of the lovely Immi. An honest exploration of modern communication and love, and what of each is enough.



Bjork - Declare Independence (Ghostdigital 12" Mix): Bjork's Voltaic remixes album presented some unexpected surprises, though the tracklist was somewhat disappointingly unvaried - a handful of remixes of a handful of songs. I get sick of hearing Declare Independence and Earth Intruders when listening to the album as a whole; it clearly seems to be presented as a "find your favorites" listening experience, instead of anything with cohesive flow. That's okay - everything here is pretty good, and some of it seems more like Bjork than the originals. Girl needs to get some of her weirdness back and quit relying on guest spots and kooky vocals!



Wale - 90210: The best of what seems to be a trend in rappers seeing girls for what they are, The Best Kept Secret both coddles and annihalates the Hollywood slut stereotype without glorifying any of the vulgar bits.



Miley Cyrus - Party in the U.S.A.: The oblivious little strumpet had one of the damn hottest singles of the year, despite essentially not knowing what the song was about. (That and her being a Monarch mind control slave.)



Two Tongues - Tremors: Max Beemis' second song on this list, from a surprising album - Chris, the singer from Saves the Day, and Max, the singer from Say Anything, sing a bunch of love songs in the form of a duet, without it sounding blatantly gay. Or maybe it's the kind of gay I love, where they don't have to outright state they're singing to each other? Or maybe I'm reading into it because I love Max Beemis too much? (Sorry, Mr. Boyle, I know I may be your future wife, but I gotta flirt around, doll.)



The Lonely Island - Like a Boss: Suck my own dick, like a boss.



Rihanna - Rude Boy: The only good track off of a muddle, uninteresting album. I love chicks who love rough sex.



30 Seconds to Mars - Vox Populi: Epic. A perfect representation of the general voice and intention of This is War, finally being released after almost five years of touring and recording and legal bullshit. A surprising amount of "brothers and sisters in arms" are present in the form of a sporadic but ever-present chorus of voices used as a brilliantly flowing battle cry.

I can't stand to see you cry...

Rollin' with the homies... R.I.P.

I need roadside assistance...

Lil' Wayne's new album may be the first piece of dump 2010 can run aground of. I'm not even sure when it's supposed to be out - originally last January, then December, then it leaked and now I hear he's pushing it back to April for unknown reasons? Possibly to re-record material, or record new material, or hopefully make it not trash?

I thought Wayne's popularity was based on his stellar work ethic and rhyme, coupled with somewhat-fresh beats. This entire "rock" album is a joke - the music is phoned in Guitar Hero on Easy rock (yes, yes, I used that same complaint in my Muse review - if Wayne can trip repetition all over your speakers, I can do the same on your internet) and the lyrics are nothing but trash. He pulls out a ton of tried-and-true-and-horrible cliches, like "all that glitters isn't gold" or some shit. I'm not even bothering to look up the lyrics right this second.

Honestly, Mr. Lil. I thought you had thousands of workable lyrics just floating around your head and recording studio, so why this uninspired, useless album of stereotypical hip-hop-meets-rock bullshit?

I'm going to pick up the world, and drop it on your f*cking head.

Just heard a sick single by Lil' Wayne featuring Eminem. Two greats = great song. Peep it.

We were the kings and queens of promise

Watching 30 Seconds to Mars on Conan tonight, and I feel like this is a perfect time for a guilty pleasure admission - Jared Leto is so fucking hot my pants barely fit every time I see him performing. I love 30 Seconds to Mars a ton.



Just sayin'.

Thanks to Oh No They Didn't for the video, and for being the best community of all time.

An Open Letter to Dr. Dre

Dear Mr. Dr. Dre,

I am not a huge fan of your work as a lyricist. I think you glorify a culture that deserves to be vilified while profiting hugely off of your own personal pain and suffering, as well as the pain and suffering of others in the "game." That is unfortunate, but I don't decy your right to express yourself in such a creative light.

That being said, your production capabilities are nothing short of astounding. Your reliance on your own musical growth is beyond admirable and presents albums that are truly iconic works of art within hip-hop, music and the creative world as a whole. Albums such as Easy E's Easy Duz It and your own Chronic and 2001, songs like Eve's Let Me Blow Ya Mind, 50 Cent's In Da Club, Busta Rhymes' Break Ya Neck, and everything worthwhile Eminem has ever realeased... that shit is beyond dope. It's elevated to a level other artists can only hope to match, in scope, candor and vision. They are all, also, very much so "you," without becoming a stale, forgotten sound. Your recent work on Eminem's Relapse / Refill is shocking and refreshing in a world where mainstream hip-hop is dominated by trashy house bullshit and uninspired R&B.

All of that being said - where the fuck is Detox?

Your long-awaited followup to 2001 is already considered the hip-hop equivalent of Guns 'n' Roses' interesting disaster Chinese Democracy. You've had been talking about a concept album, but in a hilarious twist, I can't help but note that article's statement about the album Detox being released "next year" - but that article is from 2002! We're moving into a new decade - you've been discussing releasing this album for ten years, and have seen release dates pop up in 2003, early 2004, 2005, 2007, May 2008, November / December 2009... We've heard about thirteen track albums with numerous singles, we've heard Ice Cube say he's on the album, but then that no N.W.A. members were on the album.

As it stands, it's looking more and more like Detox is going to become this decade's Duke Nukem Forever. That's really too bad.

Love,

Hip-hop fans.

P.S. Please devote more time to your music and less time to designing ugly, expensive headphones. The world doesn't need more headphones, especially ones made by companies as shady and rude as Monster.

Trying is the first step towards failing

2009 was a weird year for me, album-wise. A bunch of high profile shit I was waiting for dropped. Sadly, a ton of them dropped like a sad, lonely turd, only to be flushed and forgotten. These are the (crude-ass) five most disappointing albums of 2009. In order.

5. Wolfmother - Cosmic Egg

You are not allowed to use the same band name if three of your members leave and you replace them for a new album. You are a new band. One band member being replaced can be understandable. Two can get iffy, depending on the band.

But replacing three and going in a new direction with your sound makes you a different band. Please quit tainting the greatness of your self titled debut with this trashy crap.

Because your new album sucks, and you aren't Wolfmother.

4. MSTRKRFT - Fist of God

Long awaited follow-up from the bastardized membership of Death From Above 1979, Fist of God suffers from lack of imagination. The first track is hot, a glitched crunch of dance haze with some decent club-friendly vocals by Lil Mo. 1,000 Cigarettes is slightly less hot, a glitched warp of disco haze with some decent club-friendly vocals by... a cowbell. The next song, Bounce, is a glitched crunch of dance haze with some horrible trash back-and-forth rhyme between N.O.R.E. and Isis about getting fucked up constantly. Vuvuvu is a glitched crunch of dance haze. Everything is a glitched crunch of dance haze. They're too attached to the sound that helped define their previous album, The Looks, and forgot about the creative exploration that happened around that sound.

Added bonus disappointment: I was breathing heavily with lust when I heard about the collaboration with E-40 for this album. Then the song, Click Click, ended up setting the two artists against each other instead of melding them. E-40 is drowned out by - you guessed it - glitched crunch dance haze. His rhymes are uninspired, so I guess it's good I can barely make them out over the time warp to 2003 he's recording in.

3. Frankmusik - Complete Me

Frankmusik put out a series of EPs and singles in 2007 that sounded like the future. A touch of glitch thrown into amateur pop that knows how to fucking pop. Amateur, here, isn't a diss at all - many of Frankmusik's earlier works feel like they have a piece of his life and mind - if not a splattered piece of his shattered falsetto vocal chords. Every beat was raw and open, which turned out to be great support for a depressing breakup up-beat pop album. He was filling the void Postal Service left in my heart, with updated bit pop sampling and a shrill lusty fervor in his voice.

Production value seems to be the problem, in the end. For example, the song 3 Little Words - one of his strongest - was originally on the Frankesium EP, released in 2007. Then the updated song got its own EP in 2008 - complete with a drastic reproduction of the title track. The new master dropped much of the grime, the crunch, the keytar experimentation. And was slightly worse. Then came the Complete Me sampler, which had a different version. The version that appears on the album is the fourth retool, adding and removing elements in a confusing mashup of artistic integrity (slowly disappearing) and production budget.

This exact trend - three or four retools that add polished layers and remove the friendly, open spirit - happened to five songs on the album. 3 Little Words, Gotta Boyfriend, Confusion Girl, Done Done and Better Off as Two. The rest of the songs are forgettable.

(Though, in the spirit of fairness, I do still love a handful of songs - In Step, Better Off as Two, and Time Will Tell - but the crappiness of the rest of the album, combined with my anticipation... bad combination. ILU, though, Frankmusik, and I will get your next album with an open mind!)

2. Kid Cudi - Man on the Moon: End of Days

Kanye West, please get away from Kid Cudi. There was a time when he could balance love, lust, life and fame. In 2008, when Cudi first found an audience with the mixtape A Kid Called Cudi, his lyrical felt fresh and new. Rappers and love are hardly a new concept, but Cudi's seamless switch from spitting hard to flawed, honest R&B vocals worked perfectly. Slick future beats successfully sampling artists like J Dilla, Paul Simon and Gnarles Barkley allowed Kid Cudi to paint a self-portrait, and he liked what he saw - a sometimes self-conscious, sometimes satisfied stoner who just wants love, fun, weed and knows he has what it takes to make that happen. By doing what he wants! "I am feeling so alone when I don't need to worry / Cuz I know the world is gonna feel this nigga."

Enter Kanye West.

Man on the Moon, what Wiki and Cudi call a "concept album," suffers from something I can't put my finger on. It's like Kanye West introduced Cudi to benzos. Cudi is still Cudi, just a few levels deeper of a stoner. Compared to previous works, Cudi sounds practically suicidal. The opening track, a kind of shoegaze spoken word piece drawled in drug vocals, sets a bizarre mood for a schizophrenic album of obvious influences and uninspired end product. The second two tracks - two of the strongest on the album - are almost out of place. Soundtrack to My Life, the second track, is a literal introduction to the album that would have fit perfectly as the first track instead of the hip-hop shoegaze dreamo scenester bullshit they ended up using.

God, long story short, Kanye West gets all up in this, 808's Cudi's mind and sends him too far to the dark side of his personality - the perfect balance that made Cudi a resonating voice of honesty tipped and he became a Brilliant Wordsmith Voice of a Generation. (We don't need one of those, Mr. West, so wake up, Mr. West, stop trying to make another. Get your shit together.)

(But really, Make Her Say is one of the best songs of the year. Common, Kanye, Cudi and a sampled Lady Gaga prove the talent is still there, just... not on the rest of the album. Make Her Say actually feels out of place on the otherwise shoegaze-hop album.)

1. Muse - The Resistance

Matthew Bellamy, singer and mastermind for Muse, was convinced his band was moving away from traditional album releases. Bellamy spent years off-and-on working on a magnum opus of sorts, a space-rock opera that became the last three tracks of the Resistance, their fifth album and the follow-up to their most successful album, Black Holes and Revelations. Speaking just for myself, I was rock hard at the idea of Bellamy releasing an album capped off by a modern epic.

Too bad most of this album ended up sounding like bad covers of other bands. Uprising sounds like Blondie and Ladytron had a child, and raised it as Muse; Muse just isn't that band, and the bass and guitar both sound cliché and dull. Even the backing crowd "chant" sounds lazy and uninvolved. Did they just find some people outside the studio to say "hey" half-heartedly as if they had just won a $20 gift card to Black Angus?

From there the album maintains a similar level of inanity. I was a little turned off by songs that sound like Guitar Hero 5 on Easy mode - little creativity, none of the shine or heart of their previous albums. This is most noticeable on Unnatural Selection, which sounds like a Muse cover band, although the chorus of the song is a strong redeeming point, a driving shit-eating grin post-apocalyptic martial law blast... and then the sedatives kick in, grinding the song to a heroin hangover halt.

All this ignores my biggest gripe - the lyrics. Bellamy just falsettos his way through an album of rallying cries for... nothing. Instead of making an album that draws allusions to any kind of real world politics, fantasy world politics, or individual or communal society, the concept seemed to be to eschew specifics for a grandiose, all-purpose rebellion story. Without a defined and interesting subject, the concept of rebellion - of uprising - is reduced to trite banality. Oh, cool. "They will not control us / we will be victorious! (Come on!)" The closest thematic element I can find is MK Ultra / Monarch mind control as a tool of oppression. The singer is full of contradictions throughout the album, like leading a rebellion while admitting "we don't know or care who's to blame / but we know that whoever holds the reigns / nothing will change, our cause has gone insane."

Okay, I'm rambling now. Muse is the bitter number one most disappointing album of 2009. Lyrically bland, musically uninspired and generally muddled.

Bonus Runners-Up: Lightning Bolt's Earthly Delights, Clark's Totem's Flare, The Mars Volta's Octahedron.

I guess it's time for you to hate me again...

What the fuck is up with Eminem's last album (and a half; Relapse + Refill) having all sorts of "ball" references? He doesn't do anything without a distinct purpose, so I can't help but assume the three thematically similar songs in the past year are somehow related. I just don't know what "ball" refers to. I'm hopelessly behind in lingo, or whatever.